This past year has been a whirlwind of transition.
Exactly one year ago, I was in my last semester of college, playing soccer, and reading more books than I had the previous three previous years combined.
Eleven months ago, my best friend left for New Zealand, Israel, and Cambodia.
Ten months ago, I got a job at Willow Creek.
Nine months ago, I moved back in with my parents.
Eight months ago, I led my first camp as a House Group leader.
Six months ago, I led a missions trip to South Africa.
Four months ago, my best friend came back.
Three months ago, I said goodbye to a group of ten girls that I led for four years.
Two months ago, I led my second camp.
Three weeks ago, I moved out of my parents house.
One week ago, I launched a campaign to build an orphanage.
In the midst of transition and change, the Lord has been speaking. I have had times of struggle, times of questioning, times of fear. I have cried. I have failed to seek the Lord; he answered me anyway. He has provided things I would have never thought to ask for. He gave me a job. He gave me a house. He gave me roommates with whom I can worship. He has sustained my bank account - somehow. He has given me peace. He has been showing me the importance of this peace. When I am angry, when I am tired, when I don't want to do anything, I can close my eyes and rest in his promises which have yet to fail me.
The last few weeks have been difficult. I have seen things in myself that I wouldn't want anyone else to see. Unfortunately, they have. I see daily how my thoughts and words can do one of two things: build up, or tear down. It is difficult to admit, but more often than not, they do the latter. I found myself stepping back last week to reflect on the implications of my thoughts. During that time, the Lord whispered to me, "Don't forfeit your soul." Jesus says this in reference to men giving up all they have to gain the world, but losing what is most important, their soul. I never thought I was trying to 'gain the world.' I work for a church. I love ministry. My heart aches for people to know the Lord. I want to be a vessel of healing.
Don't forfeit your soul.
He was warning me.
The days that followed were filled with peace and a frightening awareness of what I was in the middle of: a battle.
I am grateful that the Lord has not left my side. He has continued to bless me even though my thoughts and deeds have not merited it. He has displayed his power in my weaknesses to show me that these things happen in his strength, not mine. I am thankful that he is constant, faithful, and unwavering.
I know that this year of change is not over. I will continue to battle. I will have bad days. My pride will puff up and my confidence will dip, maybe even at the same time. There are many things that I don't understand. I wish I could explain God's voice, his blessings, even his silence. One thing I know without a shadow of a doubt is that he is merciful.
Thank you Lord for your strength in the battle, your peace in the chaos, and your mercy that covers my sin.
